Making Rooted Decisions

For anybody successfully through thier Astrological time of Saturn returning, you'll already know what this is about. It begins around the age of 27 and continues to flip flop itself ruthlessly through your chakras,  your life; your thoughts, and your core belief systems for about three years. All of the sudden things start happening, or they get stuck, or you start feeling deeply restless, but nonetheless it makes absolute havock.

I'll spare you my grueling three year saga, because really what I am trying to learn, and I think many women and men are too, is how to make decisions from my deepest, truest self. It's the darn hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I don't even think I've done it yet.

When I was in my early youth, decisions didn't even make me blink. I knew exactly what they were within a nanosecond. No mulling, no making lists or asking tarot, no crying at the river or depression for days - the decisions practically made themselves. Why is that? How is it that in our teens we are so divinely present, blissfully selfish, that making choices weather big or small seem effortless. We take risks and speak or mind, ready and invincible against naysayers and so full of willpower that we sound almost arrogant.

But now, in my early thirties, married 11 years and with two children, I'm faced with life changing, gargantuan sized decisions. And it's not just me anymore. My choices effect my whole family. They are not so easy. Thinking of outcomes with all thier great and not so great qualities, makes my head spin, my heart pound, my breath stuck, and I go absolutely haywire. So much so that I can't hear my own wants and needs. That voice, that was ever so loud and clear, just isn't there anymore. She's gone!

So, I wonder, how is it that we can get down to that strong voiced woman again and serve her well. Which physical reactions are the ones to avoid, and which ones do we follow? Which ones say 'I should do this because I'm afraid"

and which one sais "I want this - and I don't care if I'm afraid"

It's an answer that still evades me. I listen daily to my sensations, how I breath during certain thoughts. How my heart beats. What makes me happy to wake up in the morning and how will I find that more often.

And although I still have no rooted choices to make that I know whole heartedly are my true will, perhaps it's not learning how to choose at all that's the lesson, but how to listen again, is.