To Lie or Not To Lie

Here is an interesting question someone posed on a Group I belong to:

“I think that everyone has encountered being lied to by someone at one time or another in their lives. I know my kids lie to me daily about things from if they finished their lunch to who broke my eggs I use at Ostara on the altar. (Sigh) It is reinforced that lying is wrong and "immoral", so I am curious - do you agree with that statement? Why or why not - where are the boundaries that make lying ok or not ok?  I think this question has many variables, as different people perceive a lie differently. I think that if you tell someone something that will affect their decisions or free will, that is immoral. I also think that some things told are to protect someone from harm, which would not be immoral.  For example, when my son lost a tooth, and the tooth fairy came and exchanged money for the tooth. In essence, I lied to him, but was it immoral? I don't think so.  Also, there is the ability to withhold truth, which is not exactly lying, but would fall under that category. When I ask my husband how I look in a certain outfit, and he tells me I am beautiful...when he thinks the outfit is totally ugly…he is with-holding that fact from me to protect my feelings.  I guess to me, this question makes me feel that it is the intent behind the lie that makes it moral or immoral.”

Here is my response:

I think there are three basic reasons for lying:
1. To not hurt another person's feelings, which leads to…
2. To protect ourselves from another person's reaction to our truths, and;
3. To continue a tradition set by society that the majority of people are already doing (i.e. Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy), making it acceptable, or even required by society (what kind of parent are you, not telling your kids about Santa and the Easter Bunny??? You Scrooge!!! You assassin of childhood joy!).  And yes, I told my daughter the lies of Santa and the Tooth Fairy. I told a whopper of a lie once when I forgot to put money under her pillow one morning...she came to me in tears...I actually had her SEEING the Tooth Fairy flying away after I slipped a dollar under her pillow! So I was not only a liar, but also a SNEAKY liar!

My daughter has asked for my opinion on various outfits she chooses to wear. She wants to know if I like it or not. Some I do and I tell her. Others, I just don't like. And I tell her "no I don't really like that outfit; it just doesn't do a thing for me, but if YOU like it, by all means wear it!" She may be disappointed that I don't like some of the latest teen-age fashion statements but she doesn't really care in the long run. As long as SHE likes it and her FRIENDS like it, all is cool in our household (but I'm lucky she doesn't dress like Brittany Spears and ilk). Likewise, she has let me know if she likes or doesn't like something I'm wearing, but as long as I like it and she doesn't have to wear it, she doesn't really care. Now, both of us sometimes tell the other "you know, that shirt your wearing/how you’re wearing your hair/etc. just doesn't look good on you! PLEASE change it!" We have felt disappointed but grateful for the honesty, especially if we ask for each others opinion, AS LONG AS IT'S DONE WITH LOVE & RESPECT, and NOT to cause hurt and shame; there are good ways and not good ways to be honest. If I ask someone for their opinion, I want them to be honest with me WITH LOVE & RESPECT, and not hold back something they think I may not want to hear. I don't want them to not honor their truth fully (as long as it's done in love & respect) just because they're worried about my feelings. If I’m wanting to hear a specific answer to a question I ask, and I get mad/hurt/sad when I don't hear what I want to hear, I feel I shouldn't have asked the question. I also feel that if someone thinks they have to lie or hold something back to spare a person's feelings, are they instead sparing themselves from the fallout of a negative reaction for giving a full, honest answer? Who are they really protecting in this kind of situation? The other person or themselves?

As for lying to protect someone from harm, I need an example before I comment fully on that one.  But right off hand, I feel that telling them the truth AND about the dangers (whatever they may be...what's dangerous to us may not be to the other person we feel we have to protect) so they can come to their own conclusions and decisions. Otherwise you run the risk of losing the person from your life when they find out you lied to them.

I feel a lie is a lie is a lie; whether one considers it a moral lie or an immoral lie doesn't make it any less a lie. But I feel the truth MUST be told with Love and Respect; if someone can't do that, they need to keep their opinions to themselves; don't be honest at the expense of another person. That spreads poison and that is just SO WRONG. There's enough poison in the world; we don't need to add to it.

Has anyone read The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz? Being impeccable with your word is his first agreement to live by. Not always easy, that's for sure! But definitely something worth striving for, I think.

So…what do YOU think?

Comments

[jordan 11]

Mishaps are like knives that either serve us or cut us as we grasp them by the handle or blade. Do you understand?

[Carol Loguisto]

I, too, questioned whether lying is good or bad, though perhaps not to the extent that you did.
Santa, Easter Bunny, etc., to me represent myths, not lies. And, according to Joseph Campbell, we need these myths, as do our children. This is just part of who we are.
But, I did have a problem with my boss who expected me to lie to the public at work. I did as I was told because I needed the job in order to survive but did not feel comfortable with it. I know I prefer the truth and wanted to say the truth where I was told to say something else.
Anyway, in attempting to resolve this dilemma, I remembered words from the Bible, "Render therefore to Caesar the things that are Caesar's and to God the things that are God's."
That helped me and, if you find it useful, you are welcomed to it.